Re-reading old blog posts are interesting. Its almost like reading an old diary and seeing how you were in any particular time period. So this week I have decided to repost some of my favorites! This was one I made in August 2007 and think is still so relevant to so many people:
They are rampant.
I’ve had a couple. Three people I know are currently in one. I’ve been witness to many over the years. I doubt its a new phenomenon but its qualities are always the same. Two people who are in a relationship but claim they aren’t. What confounds the ambiguity is the fact that one of those two people wants to define the situation but the other person is reluctant to (which makes it completely different from two people who have mutually decided to’ just kick it’ cause neither wants a serious commitment).
I know that you know what I’m talking about. You two are spending most, if not all your free time together, you talk on the phone all the time, you’ve met his/her friends and family, you pretty much talk and share most parts of your life together but when anyone says to you, “How is your boy/girlfriend”. Your reply is, “I don’t have one”. According to how close the ‘askee’ is to you the response is usually met with a quizzical look and/or remark.
My theory is that fear is the driving force behind all ambiguous relationships. Yep, aha, I just generalised it. That’s my conclusion and I’m sticking to it. One person is afraid of either commitment, the unknown, the fact that they are unsure of their feelings for the other person or even worse they know exactly how they feel and know that they don’t want to be with them. But they continue. They carry on with the undecided, undefined thing and fall deeper into a murky abyss.Yes there are some examples of ambiguous relationships that finally admitted their status and became a full blown real couple situation, but for everyone of those there are the ones that carry on their strange dance for months and even years.
The reason for the continuation can usually be boiled down to hope. Holding onto the hope that the other person will one day turn around and let go of some of their fear and take a leap. While basking in this hope they find themselves becoming an enabler. Making excuses for the ambiguity and even holding themselves up as the reason while secretly in their minds and their hearts they hold on to the hope.
I gave up trying to figure out the rules for relationships a long time ago. Questions like what does true love feel like? How long should a courtship last? When is the right time to ask someone out? To kiss or not to kiss? How much is too much time to be spending with one person? Why is it some people are serial monogamist and others can’t seem to be able to even get a relationship started? When do you know when its time to walk away?
The only thing I’m sure about is that every man woman relationship is defined by that individual man and woman. How you were with Sara won’t be the same way with Kiki cause those are two different people! I believe you have to be true to yourself. Especially in an ambiguous relationship. If you know you need it to be defined and the other person refuses to makes it so, move. on. out. Point blank. Holding on and hoping rarely works out. You saying no may well be the thing to prod that person to make up their mind, but also be prepared for the fact that it might not be.I know its not easy de-tangling yourself from a relationship that you have invested your time and emotions in but here’s the point. Its takes two.No matter how good it feels if he or she is uncomfortable with claiming you that says it all. Don’t waste your time and energy building something on no foundation. We’re all worth more than that.
That how i feel but I would love to hear what anyone thinks…..