I wish…

I wish I had the uncluttered mind and unwavering innocence of my childhood. I want to take it like a quilt and wrap this adult mind in it, keeping out the chill of reality and age.

Somewhere along the line I have become a cynic and desensitized to so many things.

I wish I still left room for true compassion. I remember the first time I became aware of a homeless person. I was a child, still living in Trinidad, and the man lying on the sidewalk in dirty tattered clothes made me feel sad and a little bit afraid. I wondered if he had a family and why he lived on the street. None of those questions cross my mind anymore.

I wish more children were in love with reading as I was at their age. I have no patience for the distractions of the Wii and the internet and their packed daily schedules. I want to see them enthralled by Oliver Twist and Black Beauty and excited by encyclopaedias and afternoons spent in libraries. This adult me, wants the children of 2010 to be like those in the 1980s. Where life was slower and my imagination had enough places to bounce around in and the technologies of today just did not exist.

I wish that being ‘ghetto’ was not marketed as a fashionable lifestyle.  To me it is poverty and a state of being you aspire to come out of. But I rarely try to consider what it is like for those who have lived ‘it’ for so long that it is now a part of their psyche and heritage. It is easy to abhor because I do not understand it. It usually is when you are looking down from what you think is a great height.

But recently there has been a slow thawing of my adult heart. As I watched those bodies tumble into the mass graves after the earthquake in Haiti and read the stories of young soldiers who have died in Afghanistan, I felt something akin to deep sadness. I realised then that child in me is not completely lost. Why these things made her appear I may never know.  But it made me yearn to hold on to her and start to look at the world with different eyes.

Maybe I am wishing for too much.

If he had not touched her shoulder she would have kept on walking.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

It was awkward and it was not the crowd of people they stood in the midst of that made it so.

She tried in those minutes to remember the last time they spoke. It must have been years because the memory was faded.

“I just wanted to say hello.” His quietly spoken words filled the silence between them and she heard them despite the noises of the busy street.

It felt almost like the uncomfortable meeting of old lovers. The truth was that they simply used to be friends.

“Well it was good seeing you.” She touched his arm lightly and managed to smile. His smile in return tried to be happy but ended up being joyless. They parted ways abruptly then.

For a minute she remembered the laughter and the secrets and tears and the words they had once shared. She remembered the moment when it had all unravelled. But time made those memories seem like an old film reel of two people she no longer knew.

The rain started to fall suddenly and she opened her umbrella. Thoughts of her next errand occupying her mind now. She knew she would probably recount meeting him later and talk about how it felt seeing someone she used to care about so deeply. But she also knew in the end she would sigh and say,

“It was like I was talking to a stranger. Funny how that happens eh?”

Old Blogs Revisited 2: 15.47

I wrote this one afternoon at work. At 15:47pm to be exact. I sometimes imagine what the next chapter to this would be…

I fell into you.

Stumbled on those damn five inch heels and felt myself crashing towards the floor but you got in the way and cushioned what would have been an embarrassing fall. Not that grabbing onto your nice leather jacket was not shame enough.

“Sorry! Sorry!”I repeated it too many times after that but I wanted to change that ‘what the f…’ expression on your face.

“Its alright love. Are you OK?”

You grabbed my forearm and elbow and managed to hold me up though gravity wanted me on the ground.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

I straightened up as quickly as I could but felt the tremble in my calves as I balanced myself on those beautiful red stilettos. The ones I had no damn place buying but they looked too good to ignore.

“Maybe its the shoes?”

I jerked my eyes up to yours and unintentionally showed my annoyance. I knew I couldn’t walk in them! Why the hell were you reminding me? You put your hands up in mock protection, a smirk forming on your cheek.

“I’m just saying. Don’t hit me now.”

“Thanks. I apologise for almost knocking you down. I just need to walk a little slower.”

Your eyes creased and a smile crept into them. I knew a another smart remark was going to cross your lips.

Nice introduction eh?

Hot chocolate for me and a cappuccino for you and we were still talking a few hours later. Why?

“So how long are you here?”

Maybe it was the English accent but that stop mattering two hours ago.I told you my name and my destination and too many other details that a stranger should never know but my lips couldn’t stop moving. You laughed, sipped your coffee and listened like you wanted to be there.

“So this is your last big thing before…”

“Yes I guess it is.”

“And then?”

The words bounced around my head for longer than they should.

“I move on?”

A question for a question. I couldn’t give you more than that. ‘And then’ was the one statement that I had been avoiding. I knew it would make me rational and I was enjoying this madness of mine too much.You tapped your finger against the paper cup and thought about what you should say. I wanted to laugh because I knew you would not find the words. How could you when they did not exist?

“I have to go.”

I reached out for my purse and heard you sigh so looked up at you instead.

“Let me take you. I know where …”

“Black cabs are frequent here. One will take me there quicker. Thank you for the offer though.”

I pulled myself up and tucked my purse under my arm. Saw my reflection in the glass behind and it made me smile. I looked good, ridiculous heels and all.

“It was nice meeting you.”

I stretched out my hand and watched you hesitate before you took it.

“It was…..”

“Yes it was…” but you pulled me towards you before I could finish. Your breath was warm against my ear and you spoke before surprise or any other emotion could creep into my skin.

“Call me in ten minutes.”

Just when we had managed to make it last you had to be the one to break the spell. I looked at you and shook my head, watched that smile crease your eyes again.

“You never play fair Ben….”

Old Blogs revisited 1 – Ambiguous Relationships

Re-reading old blog posts are interesting. Its almost like reading an old diary and seeing how you were in any particular time period. So this week I have decided to repost some of my favorites! This was one I made in August 2007 and think is still so relevant to so many people:
They are rampant.

I’ve had a couple. Three people I know are currently in one. I’ve been witness to many over the years. I doubt its a new phenomenon but its qualities are always the same. Two people who are in a relationship but claim they aren’t. What confounds the ambiguity is the fact that one of those two people wants to define the situation but the other person is reluctant to (which makes it completely different from two people who have mutually decided to’ just kick it’ cause neither wants a serious commitment).

I know that you know what I’m talking about. You two are spending most, if not all your free time together, you talk on the phone all the time, you’ve met his/her friends and family, you pretty much talk and share most parts of your life together but when anyone says to you, “How is your boy/girlfriend”. Your reply is, “I don’t have one”. According to how close the ‘askee’ is to you the response is usually met with a quizzical look and/or remark.

My theory is that fear is the driving force behind all ambiguous relationships. Yep, aha, I just generalised it. That’s my conclusion and I’m sticking to it. One person is afraid of either commitment, the unknown, the fact that they are unsure of their feelings for the other person or even worse they know exactly how they feel and know that they don’t want to be with them. But they continue. They carry on with the undecided, undefined thing and fall deeper into a murky abyss.Yes there are some examples of ambiguous relationships that finally admitted their status and became a full blown real couple situation, but for everyone of those there are the ones that carry on their strange dance for months and even years.

The reason for the continuation can usually be boiled down to hope. Holding onto the hope that the other person will one day turn around and let go of some of their fear and take a leap. While basking in this hope they find themselves becoming an enabler. Making excuses for the ambiguity and even holding themselves up as the reason while secretly in their minds and their hearts they hold on to the hope.

I gave up trying to figure out the rules for relationships a long time ago. Questions like what does true love feel like? How long should a courtship last? When is the right time to ask someone out? To kiss or not to kiss? How much is too much time to be spending with one person? Why is it some people are serial monogamist and others can’t seem to be able to even get a relationship started? When do you know when its time to walk away?

The only thing I’m sure about is that every man woman relationship is defined by that individual man and woman. How you were with Sara won’t be the same way with Kiki cause those are two different people! I believe you have to be true to yourself. Especially in an ambiguous relationship. If you know you need it to be defined and the other person refuses to makes it so, move. on. out. Point blank. Holding on and hoping rarely works out. You saying no may well be the thing to prod that person to make up their mind, but also be prepared for the fact that it might not be.I know its not easy de-tangling yourself from a relationship that you have invested your time and emotions in but here’s the point. Its takes two.No matter how good it feels if he or she is uncomfortable with claiming you that says it all. Don’t waste your time and energy building something on no foundation. We’re all worth more than that.

That how i feel but I would love to hear what anyone thinks…..

More Ayana…

4 Hazel loved her mother but she did not understand her. She knew that despite the smiles, the polite conversation and the compliments, that her mother did not like Ayana. I was nothing obvious in her manner but anyone who knew her would be able to tell that she wasn’t happy. Everyone in the room except poor Ayana knew. Hazel didn’t understand why. She thought that she was beautiful. Her clear smooth complexion and expressive eyes made Hazel like her straight away. She had not hesitated to hug her and Gemma when she came in. She laughed easily and talked in a sweet singsong manner. She was wearing a pale yellow sundress that flowed to her ankles and a light green shawl that matched her sandals. She was darker and a lot curvier than the girls Shawn used to bring home but she was beautiful. It was obvious to Hazel why Shawn liked her. Gemma came over to her and whispered.
“She’s pretty eh?”
Hazel nodded in agreement. She could see that her brother was happy. His eyes were practically twinkling.
“Zelly, short stuff, allyuh don’t want to know what I buy?”
Gemma laughed.
“You eh buy nothing Shawn. You come here empty handed.” Marilyn glared at her daughter but Gemma didn’t look her way.
“Well you better not come outside with me then, since I didn’t get nothing…”
He laughed as his sisters pushed past him to the front door. You wouldn’t believe that they were sixteen and seventeen because at that moment they were squealing like five year olds
“Girls stop screaming. Remember the neighbours!” Marilyn looked at her son.
“What did you get them Shawn?”
“A barrel full of clothes Mrs Richards. You should see how many things are in there.” Ayana had joined her at the door to look at the spectacle in the driveway. Hazel was hanging off Shawn’s neck and Gemma was just jumping up and down. There was indeed a barrel in her driveway.
“How Shawn get that thing in the driveway?”
“My cousin owns a truck so he dropped it off when we came here.”
Marilyn didn’t know what to think about this girl. Yes she was attractive in a simple country way but she was nothing like what her son usually liked. Marilyn had great plans for her son, and a girl like Ayana could not be part of it. She had invited Michelle Campbell and Rosa Hospedales to the party tomorrow. These were the women who would take him to great places. This girl and Shawn’s early arrival made Marilyn very, very uneasy. He was not acting like the son she knew.
Later when Hollis came home she left Ayana and the girls with him and pulled Shawn aside in the kitchen.
“Why are you sneaking into the country? What if somebody saw you? I told everybody that you’re coming in tomorrow!”
“Ma calm down.”
“Calm down? And who is this girl? Shawn look at me.”
“You’ve been introduced Ma. I told you her name. It’s Ayana.”
“You were staying with her these last few days?”
“Yes with her and her father. Ma last time I checked I didn’t have to do no roll call.”
He wasn’t standing still and talking to her. He had his head buried in the fridge and this was making her angry.
“Shawn would you just stand up and talk to me!”
He closed the fridge door and looked at his mother.
“Ma what you want to talk about? You does get upset when you not in control. When you not running everything…”
“Don’t talk to me like that!”
“Get used to Ayana Ma. She not going anywhere. She going to become part of this family, even if you don’t like it…”
“I…”
“The only thing you can do for me right now is give me some information about my father, so I can go and find where he is.”
Marilyn had to lean against the counter in order to keep standing. What was wrong with her son? Why was he talking to her like this?
“Why do you want to know where he is? He’s never been in your life Shawn. Hollis is your father.”
“Hollis knows I love him. He has no problem with me finding my father. The only person with a problem is you.”
They looked at each other for a minute then he walked out of the room. Marilyn could hear her heart beat thumping in her head. Everything was suddenly spiralling out of control. What was she going to do?

5 Shawn had barely said a word since they left the house. Ayana wanted to ask what was wrong but she was struggling the find a way to say it. She felt as though her fears were being realised. Meeting his family was indeed going to change things. She had offered to drive so she kept her eyes on the road whilst he stared out of the window. When they stopped at a traffic light, she reached over and gently squeezed his hand. Shawn looked over at her and smiled.
“I’m sorry baby.”
“You apologising for being quiet? Don’t do that.”
The light turned green and they started moving again.
“I told Ma I wanted to know about my father. I think she almost passed out when I said it.”
“Well you surprised her. This is the first time you two ever spoke about him right?”
“Apart from over the weekend when I called and mentioned him, yes. The first time in twenty-five years I work up the courage to ask her.”
He was hurting. Ayana had always thought that Shawn had an underlying sadness about him. Maybe because she listened to him so closely, almost analysing him she had recognised his hurt feelings. She understood in a way, because the death of her mother had left her with a similar vibe. She carried on with life but she missed her terribly. The only difference was that Shawn missed someone who he had never actually met.
“Her reaction make me wonder. She seemed terrified you know? Like I asked her about her rapist or something…”
“Shawn don’t say that!”
“Why not? I doh have a clue who this fella is? He could be anybody. She don’t talk about her family, her childhood or anything. Makes me wonder what kinda secrets she hiding.”
“Maybe it not even that complicated. Maybe he was just someone who hurt her feelings badly so she cut him off”
“My instincts telling me something else Ayana. I feel bad that she upset but I have to be selfish about this. I have a right to know where I come from.”
“Yes you do deserve that honey.”
They had stopped at another light waiting to turn onto the Solomon Hochey highway.
“Ayana turn in by the Bazaar. I go drive the rest.”
She turned the car into the mall entrance and took the nearest parking space.
“Shawn I cool to drive the rest you know.” Ayana protested as she took off her seatbelt
“Nah these fellas and them does drive like mad men on this highway. Let me take over before I have to get vex with someone.”
They were outside the car now, switching sides. Ayana reached up and hugged him.
“You would fight some man for me Richards?”
“Man, beast, plant, insect even”
They laughed but Shawn cut it short by kissing her. When they stopped he held her face between his palms.
“I love you.” He told her. Ayana was too shocked to reply. This was the first time he had said those words to her. Her eyes welled up with tears.
“I love you too.” She replied
“Enough to marry me?”
“What?”
“I asked if you love me enough to want to marry me. Actually no. This not the way I had plan to ask. I don’t even have the ring with me”
Ayana laughed despite the tears that had started tumbling from her eyes.
“You have a ring? You plan this?”
“Well it wasn’t supposed to be the car park in the Bazaar. It was going to be on the Hill in San’do. Oh lawd let me shut up!”
Ayana was still laughing. She reached up and hugged him again
“Baby I will marry you anytime.” She whispered in his ear
They stood there holding onto each other for a while. Ayana felt like her feet weren’t touching the ground. She had just made the biggest the decision of her life and she had no doubt about it. Shawn just wanted to stay there and keep inhaling her baby oil and lavender smell.
“I don’t know how the next few months going be with me looking for my father and things….” He started but she cut him off.
“Shawn whatever it is we go do it together. Your problems are my problems. Right now I really want to go home and see this ring, is gold, silver, princess cut?”
“Baby is a ring. You really think I go get you something small?”
Ayana grinned at him,
“It better not be Richards…”
They talked all the way to Francis Street, excited about the future, despite the way the evening had began.

6 Hazel watched Mark do his daily laps. She sat at the edge of the pool, on the concrete, with her school skirt wrapped around her legs. Her shoes and stockings were at her side while her bare feet were dangling in the water. Mark did ten laps every evening after school. Sometimes like today she would sit and watch him. He was the junior swimming champion for Trinidad. He had the regional tournament coming up in three months. Hazel passed a towel to him when he got out.
“What was the time?”
She looked at the stopwatch.
“10 secs 45.”
“Crap”
“It was better than last time.”
“Still crap.”
Mark sat next to her and splashed water on her leg. She stuck her tongue out at him.
“So what’s the rest of the story?” he asked
She had been telling him about the night before.
“Well is not much really. Ma walked out the kitchen looking like she and Shawn had a fistfight and Shawn just got serious and quiet. He left soon after. I don’t know what happening with this party.”
“I don’t think it cancel. All of Cayenna would know. Mona would have said when we came in.”
“True. I wish she would cancel it though. I don’t feel for all those people in the house.”
“We could do the usual.” Mark suggested.
The usual consisted of appetizers from the party and an escape to the garage roof of whatever house was unoccupied. They would lie on their stomachs on the flat rooftops and talk. They had been doing so since they were seven or eight years old.
“We need a new escape Mark. Everybody know we does be on the roof.”
“That’s true. When I start to drive we go find somewhere else.”
“Oh lord, that’s another two years. That too far.”
“Zel your mother calling!!!!” Mona come outside with the phone.
Hazel sighed and took the phone from her.
“Yes Ma… No Ma…. Why? I’m not talking back Ma… Yes ok.”
Mark didn’t even have to ask what the call was about.
“That’s what I can’t understand with her. She acting like we over here rolling around in the bushes! I’m two houses down the road! She busy checking up on me but she not looking at what Gemma doing!”
“You tell her Steven like her?”
“She don’t care. She caught up with Reggie.”
Mark stood up and wrapped the towel around his waist
“Well that might be a good thing. Steven not looking for anything serious. Especially since we going to be in London for the summer.”
Hazel looked at him.
“Oh, so that’s your way of telling me you not going to be here?”
“Oh shoot! I forgot I hadn’t told you yet…”
“You forgot?”
Hazel took another towel and started to dry her feet.
“Zel I wasn’t thinking. My parents just told us last night.”
“How long for?”
“Till September.”
Hazel had her shoes on and her bag on her shoulder and was heading for the side path.
“Zel.”
“I will see you later.” She wouldn’t look at him as she walked away. Hazel knew she was exaggerating the situation but she was upset. This was the second summer Mark was going to be away. Who was she going to hang out with? Who would she have to talk to?
Marilyn watched her daughter from her veranda. She was walking up the driveway with a face like thunder. Marilyn knew she was the reason but she didn’t care. Hazel would understand one day. Marilyn had no problem with Mark. She loved the fact that they had always been close and now they were getting closer. She didn’t want Hazel to destroy the future of this relationship before it even began. The Bartley’s were one of the richest families in Trinidad. In some ways they were more Trinidadian than the Richards. Patrick Bartley could trace his family history all the way to the late 1800s. Whereas Marilyn’s grandparents had come from Grenada in the 1960s. She could see that Hazel was accepted by the Bartleys but only as Mark’s best friend. She was sure that would change once they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Marilyn had to help her daughter change that.
She found her in the kitchen slamming the dishwasher door close.
“Hazel! Do not slam the dishwasher door! You better calm down young lady.”
“Ma I am calm.” Hazel poured herself a glass of lemonade and started to head out of the kitchen.
“I need to talk to you. Stay in here.”
Marilyn watched her begrudgingly sit down on one of the kitchen’s high chairs.
“Ma I have a lot of work to complete. Please don’t give me a lecture on Mark.”
“It is not a lecture just some advice. How many times have I told you not to hang out there after school?”
“I don’t understand why I can’t! Why all of a sudden? Since we were eight Ma I have been going over there. Mona is always there with us!”
“It doesn’t look right Hazel.”
Hazel wanted to scream. Her mother was the only person who called her by her full name. Every one else called her Zel or Zelly and that’s the way she preferred it. And she hated this new plan her mother seemed to have for she and Mark. She was turning their relationship into one of her projects and she wasn’t standing for it.
“Ma I really have to get started on my homework…”
“Hazel you will thank me for this one day.”
She stood up and stared at her mother for a moment.
“Has Shawn called today Ma? What time is he coming?”
Marilyn looked away from her daughter and started to rearrange the flowers on the counter.
“He will be here later Hazel. Now go up and start doing your school-work. Make sure you start getting dressed early.”
There was a slight smirk on Hazel’s lips. She knew that her mother hadn’t spoken to her brother since the night before and her question had reminded her of that. She had accomplished her mission.
“Yes Ma.”
Marilyn listened for her daughter’s footsteps on the stairs before she allowed herself to exhale. Shawn had left no phone number for her to call him and his cell phone kept going to voicemail. Since their conversation in the kitchen she had had a dull headache. One that was increasing has the day dragged on. She was planning a party and she had no idea if he was going to show up. Marilyn dialled her husband’s number.
“Hollis Richards.”
“Have you heard from Shawn?” Marilyn was never one for preliminaries.
“No. Is he supposed to call me?”
“I don’t know if he’s going to turn up tonight Hollis….”She took a deep breath because she suddenly emotional.
“I’m sure he will come Marilyn. He’s knows about the party and…”
“He’s mad at me. Really angry with me.” It had been a long time since Hollis heard his wife sound so vulnerable. It was a strange thing to hear.
“Honey you two have to sit down and talk. You have to have a real conversation with him and answer his questions.”
Marilyn felt like her head was about to explode. It was easy fro Hollis to suggest that she just answer his questions. He had no idea about what she was hiding. A great part of her wanted to confide in him. She wanted unburden her heart to him and let him tell her that it was all not so bad.
“Honey? You there.”
“Hollis I can’t”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t. I wish….” She let her words trail off then cleared her throat, moved away from the counter she had been leaning against and let the in control part of herself take over again.
“The party starts at 8 Hollis so you have to be back here but 6. Can you please be on time?” The switch in conversation let him know that his wife had closed the door to her emotions again. He wished he could reach out and shake her back into a few moments ago. It was the closest they had come to having a real conversation in a very long time.
“I will be on time. I will see you later.” He hung up before she could say anything else.Marilyn tapped the phone against her temple and wondered what she should do next

Ayana continued…

3 Gemma didn’t see her mother when she got home but she could hear her voice when she got into her bedroom. She was in the back yard directing the construction of a Marquee. Gemma looked out through her curtains to make sure Marilyn didn’t have a portable phone in her hand before she picked up her own extension and started dialling. It was picked up after the first ring.
“You get in trouble?”
“Nah she fixing up for the party. I don’t think she realise I was late. Besides I know what I will say if she ask.”
“Gems yuh cah keep saying is meetings. She go figure out them clubs you belong to don’t exist.”
“How? She don’t listen to me when I tell her nothing. Only daddy will figure it out and he not going to check. He don’t doubt anything I say.”
Gemma felt a tinge of guilt then. She didn’t care about lying to her mother but her father was a different story.
“Reggie let’s drive up to the beach tomorrow. I feel like a swim.”
Reggie chuckled.
“Gems you real reckless yes! When you wet up your hair and ting how you going to explain that?”
Gemma smiled
“Let me worry bout that.”
“Nah I go keep worrying cause when they come and give me jail for being with Hollis Richards’ daughter. You know they not going to hesitate to lock up a boy from Diego.”
Gemma hated when he talked like that. What was the different between the two of them? It was just a socio-economic thing. As far she was concerned they were two Trinidadians who had fallen for each other. His skin was the same shade as hers, his eyes the same colour, the breathed the same air. Why should money and location dictate their feelings for each other?
“I am seventeen years old Reggie. Four months from eighteen. What they going to lock you up for? Stop talking foolishness.”
“Is no worries. Don’t work up yourself babe. Listen, go let your ma know your home and gimme a ring later.”
She sighed, reluctant to come off the phone.
“You have to go?”
“Yeah meh shift starting in 10 minutes. Just call me usual time ok?”
“Ok.”
Gemma lay back on her bed and listened to the sounds of the builders. She wanted to be with Reggie. She wanted to go back an hour or so to be sitting in his car eating the chicken dinner he had brought her and listening to his stories. Between his family, his job and his friends he always had a funny tale to tell. Reggie made her feel important. He thought she was intelligent, and beautiful. He treated her like she was something special. None of her other boyfriends had ever treated her like that before.
The phone rang and she reached for the receiver.
“Short stuff!”
“Shawn 5 foot 7 is not short.”
“You shorter than me.”
Gemma laughed.
“What you want?”
“I wanted to warn you. I’m coming over in an hour.”
She jumped off the bed.
“What! How? You in Trinidad already?”
“Well I’ve been here since Monday.”
“Shawn! Dats two days now! You eh call or nothing! Ma go be vex.”
“If she hear you talking like that she go be vex. “
They both laughed, knowing that their mother insisted on them speaking well not ‘Trinidad country talk’ as she called it.
“You by Ayana, you sneaky bastard.”
“Yes and she coming with me tonight.”
“Shawn maybe you should tell Ma first. You know she don’t like surprises…”
“She go live short stuff. I bring some things for you and Zelly. So I’ll see you guys later.”
Gemma ran down the hall to Hazel’s room.
“Zel!”
“What?”
“Shawn come back early. He coming here in an hour.”
“Stop lying Gemma.”
“I’m not!”
Hazel looked up at her sister and realised she was telling the truth.
“Ma going to be vex.”
“He bringing Ayana with him too.”
“No way! This house going to be drama tonight.”
The two sisters looked at each other then laughed.
“Well this house need some drama. Ain’t nothing happening except this thing Ma organising.”
“And she know Shawn don’t like no big fuss. Wait a minute, you just come in?”
“No. I’ve been in a while.”
“Yeah right! You and Shawn like to live on the edge yes.”
Gemma didn’t even acknowledge her sister. Hazel was the good child. She was willing to stay locked up in Cayenna and mingle with its people. Gemma knew there was a world outside these gates and she felt like the outsiders were more trustworthy than those inside. There were too many false smiles and hidden agendas in these hills.
“You lucky your boyfriend just round the corner. You could see him whenever. I can’t”
“You know Steven like yuh right? He always asking me about you.”
Gemma screwed up her nose
“No way. So he can go slumming? Everybody know Mrs Bartley don’t want hers sons with no black people. .” She stopped when she realised what she was saying. “Zel you know what I meant. I mean everyone know Mark like you real bad. You two cool…”
“But Mrs Bartley don’t want me with her son right? Gemma you just think everyone does think like you or Ma. Not everything is colour you know.”
Gemma didn’t bother to argue with her. Hazel was naïve. She and Mark were working for now but let them try to get too serious. Gemma knew exactly what was going to happen, her sister would have to experience it to understand.
“Anyway Shawn want to surprise Ma, so keep your mouth shut.”
“I ain’t saying nothing. Is good he back huh?”
“Yeah. I cah believe it myself.” Gemma was ecstatic her brother was back. He had always been the one person she could share everything with. After six years of phone calls and emails she could now just curl up on his bed and talk to him like the old days. And right now she needed him more than ever.

4 Hazel loved her mother but she did not understand her. She knew that despite the smiles, the polite conversation and the compliments, that her mother did not like Ayana. I was nothing obvious in her manner but anyone who knew her would be able to tell that she wasn’t happy. Everyone in the room except poor Ayana knew. Hazel didn’t understand why. She thought that she was beautiful. Her clear smooth complexion and expressive eyes made Hazel like her straight away. She had not hesitated to hug her and Gemma when she came in. She laughed easily and talked in a sweet singsong manner. She was wearing a pale yellow sundress that flowed to her ankles and a light green shawl that matched her sandals. She was darker and a lot curvier than the girls Shawn used to bring home but she was beautiful. It was obvious to Hazel why Shawn liked her. Gemma came over to her and whispered.
“She’s pretty eh?”
Hazel nodded in agreement. She could see that her brother was happy. His eyes were practically twinkling.
“Zelly, short stuff, allyuh don’t want to know what I buy?”
Gemma laughed.
“You eh buy nothing Shawn. You come here empty handed.” Marilyn glared at her daughter but Gemma didn’t look her way.
“Well you better not come outside with me then, since I didn’t get nothing…”
He laughed as his sisters pushed past him to the front door. You wouldn’t believe that they were sixteen and seventeen because at that moment they were squealing like five year olds
“Girls stop screaming. Remember the neighbours!” Marilyn looked at her son.
“What did you get them Shawn?”
“A barrel full of clothes Mrs Richards. You should see how many things are in there.” Ayana had joined her at the door to look at the spectacle in the driveway. Hazel was hanging off Shawn’s neck and Gemma was just jumping up and down. There was indeed a barrel in her driveway.
“How Shawn get that thing in the driveway?”
“My cousin owns a truck so he dropped it off when we came here.”
Marilyn didn’t know what to think about this girl. Yes she was attractive in a simple country way but she was nothing like what her son usually liked. Marilyn had great plans for her son, and a girl like Ayana could not be part of it. She had invited Michelle Campbell and Rosa Hospedales to the party tomorrow. These were the women who would take him to great places. This girl and Shawn’s early arrival made Marilyn very, very uneasy. He was not acting like the son she knew.
Later when Hollis came home she left Ayana and the girls with him and pulled Shawn aside in the kitchen.
“Why are you sneaking into the country? What if somebody saw you? I told everybody that you’re coming in tomorrow!”
“Ma calm down.”
“Calm down? And who is this girl? Shawn look at me.”
“You’ve been introduced Ma. I told you her name. It’s Ayana.”
“You were staying with her these last few days?”
“Yes with her and her father. Ma last time I checked I didn’t have to do no roll call.”
He wasn’t standing still and talking to her. He had his head buried in the fridge and this was making her angry.
“Shawn would you just stand up and talk to me!”
He closed the fridge door and looked at his mother.
“Ma what you want to talk about? You does get upset when you not in control. When you not running everything…”
“Don’t talk to me like that!”
“Get used to Ayana Ma. She not going anywhere. She going to become part of this family, even if you don’t like it…”
“I…”
“The only thing you can do for me right now is give me some information about my father, so I can go and find where he is.”
Marilyn had to lean against the counter in order to keep standing. What was wrong with her son? Why was he talking to her like this?
“Why do you want to know where he is? He’s never been in your life Shawn. Hollis is your father.”
“Hollis knows I love him. He has no problem with me finding my father. The only person with a problem is you.”
They looked at each other for a minute then he walked out of the room. Marilyn could hear her heart beat thumping in her head. Everything was suddenly spiralling out of control. What was she going to do?

Ayana.

A story I wrote a long time ago and as per usual did not complete. Reading it over again I feel like it is time to give it an ending…

1 It was quiet in Cayenna. The gentle tapping of the raindrops against the roof and the breeze that pushed the trees were the only sounds of the morning. Marilyn had grown used this type of silence. But it had taken a while. Deep down she missed the cock crowing and the early morning neighbourhood noises of her youth, but she would admit that to no one. Bamboo Trace was worlds away from Cayenna. Marilyn was not that girl anymore.
Today she was up early. Well the truth was that she had not really slept. It was early enough to see the sun rising over the mountains. But she paid no attention to this; her mind was elsewhere. Shawn’s phone call last night had left her uneasy. Him calling on a Sunday night wasn’t unusual. He would call and speak to the girls and Hollis and then fill her in on his week. Lately the calls had been even more anticipated because he was getting ready to come back home, for good. The six years he had lived in America had felt like decades to Marilyn. She had appeared joyous and proud when he left, but inside she felt like the blood was being squeezed out of her heart. She both enjoyed and hated his visits home, because no matter how long he stayed he would have to leave again.
Shawn was her baby. Despite his twenty-five years, and six-foot frame, Marilyn still saw the beautiful baby boy he used to be. He was the only one of her children she still saw that way. Her two girls, Gemma and Hazel, never made her reminisce that way. To her their births were different. With the girls she had had to share the experience with Hollis but with Shawn he was all hers. She had given birth to him in the front bedroom of Ma Rosa’s house in Bamboo Trace. She had done it all by herself, no doctors, no medication. Then she had lain there for an hour afterwards, waiting for Rosa to come home, and talking to her baby boy. Telling him all the things they were going to do together. Marilyn smiled to herself as she remembered that moment, that first hour of Shawn’s life that they had bonded. He became her catalyst, and remained so.
Hollis Richards came out to the veranda to see his wife’s smile. It startled him a little. His wife wasn’t a smiler, in public or in private. As she became aware of his presence her face reverted to its normal stance.
“You have a meeting this morning?” she enquired
“Not until eleven o’clock.” He told her as he leaned over and kissed her forehead
“So why you up so early?”
Hollis sat next to her and looked out to the trees below the terrace.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
Marilyn sighed. Hollis had a way of never really answering a question. He was a politician through and through.
“I just wanted some peace and quiet before the morning rush.” She told him. He knew that that was not the real reason.
“You still worried about what Shawn ask you?”
“That’s nothing to worry about Hollis. Shawn never wanted to know before so I don’t see why he would want to now.”
She had said it in that final manner of hers and Hollis knew that a discussion would be pointless. Shawn had spoken to him long before he talked to Marilyn. He wanted to know who his father was. Hollis had been unable t to help him. Marilyn had never told him anything. It was a topic she both avoided and ignored, like she did so many things. Marilyn only let you know what she wanted you to know. Like Hollis, Shawn knew this about his mother but he was beginning to rebel against the norm. The boy had questions and he wanted answers. Hollis knew that this homecoming would not be an easy one. Shawn’s questions were just one part of it…
“Hollis are you listening to me?”
He turned to his wife and pretended that he had been.
“We need to get the house ready. I have to talk to Sita about cleaning up Shawn’s room, then I have to call the Persads to fix up the food for the party….”
“We having a party?”
Marilyn looked at her husband like he had lost his mind.
“Why we wouldn’t have a party for Shawn? Every night some house in Cayenna throwing a party and for foolishness too. Wendy Bartley had one last week to welcome the first day of summer! We can’t welcome our son home?
“I wasn’t saying no Marilyn, I just did not realise we was planning one.”
“Well we are. I enjoyed the Persads food at Joy’s function so I’m going to hire them…”
Before Hollis left that morning he had a list of people from the Ministry that he had to invite and other duties he needed to carry out before the next week. Marilyn was in her element, planning and executing was her forte. Her baby was coming back home and that was reason alone to rejoice. She knew that once he was home again all of these questions of his would be forgotten and they would begin to work on this new chapter of his life.

2 Shawn turned off the main road onto a side street. He didn’t know South Trinidad that well but he had managed to follow Calvin Moses’ directions. He was home three days early by choice. He had misled his family about his arrival because he had things to do before he came home. From the moment the plane had landed on the tarmac in Piarco he felt light. He felt as though all the stresses had immediately evaporated. He was home. The heat, the accent, the smells, all made him want to break out in song. He was home to stay and he was happy. All he could think about was getting down to San Fernando. The rental car people couldn’t move fast enough, the traffic couldn’t be slower; he just wanted to get to where he was going.
He knew the grey and white brick house the moment he saw it, though he had never been there before. Ayana had described it so many times that he felt like he had lived there himself. A middle-aged man was sitting on the veranda when he pulled up in front. He was down the stairs before Shawn had a chance to turn off the ignition.
“Shawn?” he asked
“ Mr Moses? Yes it’s me.” Shawn said as he opened the car door.
The two men shook hands
“Son is good to finally meet you. She go pass out when she see yuh!”
Shawn smiled at the thought. He had spent the last few months telling her that he would be arriving on the 25th. The 22nd had been nowhere on their plans.
“She home yet sir?”
“Sir? Boy, call me Calvin! What wrong with you? Sir! No she eh come yet. Should be anytime now, so we better go inside.”
They sat in the front room, drinking grapefruit juice and talking like old friends. They had spoken on the phone a few times over the last year. But the conversations had been short hellos, now they had a chance to really get to know each other. Shawn liked him straight away. Calvin was an open, friendly man. He wasn’t afraid to laugh out loud and ask questions. He was the male version was Ayana. He saw where she had inherited her looks as well as her personality. They had the same bright eyes and dark chocolate complexion. His right cheek had the same dimple and their laugh was almost identical. He marvelled at how comforting it must be to resemble someone so much; to see your face in their own. Shawn had never felt that kind of comfort. His sisters looked like Hollis with the same nose and lips. The only thing he had inherited from his mother was her expressions. They frowned the same; bit their lips when they pondered something. But he looked nothing like her or anyone else in the family. His creamy caramel complexion and grey eyes had always made him stand out. He knew that features that strong and unique must belong to his father.
The two men had been talking so intently that they hadn’t noticed Ayana walking up the front stairs until she literally squealed.
“Shawn! Shawn! Shawn!” She had dropped her bags and jumped on him on the couch.
“Ayana you go break the chair!” Calvin said half-heartedly. He knew his daughter was paying him no mind
“You is a liar Shawn Richards! You said the 25th!”
Shawn laughed,
“You surprised then?”
“Yes! Its so good to see you Shawnee!”
She hugged him and covered his face with kisses. For Shawn his day was complete. Coming home had been beautiful but Ayana was the bonus. She had been back in Trinidad for four months now but the time away from her had been hard for him. He never realised how much he would miss her animated stories, her stew chicken, her baby oil and lavender smell. She had only been in his life a year but he honestly could not remember the time when she wasn’t there. He had turned into the type of man he used to make fun of. Those who said they were ‘in love’ and couldn’t spend a day without a woman. This was very new to him. The only women he cared about were his mother and sisters. The rest had just been passing amusements, lust and no more but everything was different with Ayana. This went way beyond any attraction.
“Daddy you know he was coming?”
“I not saying a word. Allyuh hungry? The food should be done by now.” Calvin went to the kitchen leaving Ayana and Shawn grinning at each other.
“Baby I’m so happy. Seeing you after a day like today is a blessing.”
“Work was hard?” Shawn asked as he kissed her forehead.
“It don’t matter now.” Ayana made sure he father was still in the kitchen before she leaned in and kissed him on the lips.
“Where you staying tonight?” she asked as she let go of his face. “Your mother them know you back today?”
“Calvin and I already work out something. He said I can stay in the spare room till Wednesday then we’ll head up to Cayenna.”
Ayana squealed again. “You staying with me!”
“Yes you stuck with me. Tomorrow evening I have to go check out some apartments in Westmoorings. Ricardo sorting me out…”
Ayana wasn’t even listening to what he was saying. She felt like she hadn’t seen him in years. She just kept staring at his features and listening to the rhythm of his voice. New York seemed so far away at this moment. A big part of her had been afraid that it wouldn’t feel the same the next time they met. Their relationship had been so fast it was almost surreal. She knew within the first week that she would love him but Shawn had not been so easily convinced. He was handsome, a compulsive flirt, a charmer. The kind of guy most girls couldn’t help but like. Especially in the states, his good looks and heavy Trini accent was all it took to get a response. When they became friends, she only fantasised that he would like her. She was dark, curvaceous, and old-fashioned girl. She only wore makeup on special occasions and preferred to spend her time cooking rather than shopping. Shawn was from ‘town’, his stepfather was a minister in the government, and he grew up in the gated exclusive realms of Cayenna. She on the other hand was the daughter of labourer and spent all her life in the working class simplicity of Francis Street, San Fernando. They were two people who would never had moved together in the same circles in small island Trinidad but somehow they had connected in the bigger bowl that was America.
This both marvelled Ayana and scared her. Shawn could fit in anywhere. But she felt that her simplicity made her stand out. In the circles that the Richards belonged to Ayana feared that she wouldn’t be accepted. Meeting his family had her more nervous than she was willing to admit.
“ Shawn what I going to wear when we go to your house? I have nothing fancy…”
“Don’t worry bout that babe. We go find something together. I’m sure Mummy going to be throwing some kinda party so we both have to get something special.”
“A party? You think it will have politicians there?”
Shawn could see how apprehensive she was about the whole situation. He kissed the back of her hand.
“Ayana you not doing this by yourself. Is you and me. Everybody going to love you, So don’t worry.”
She smiled giving him the reassurance he needed but she knew the situation wasn’t that simple. Though Shawn avoided her questions she knew that he hadn’t told his mother about their relationship. She had spoken to his sisters many times and even his stepfather but never Mrs Richards. Ayana knew that this was a pretty clear sign that Shawn was wary of his mother’s opinion of her. It was enough to conclude that Marilyn Richards was the person whose opinion mattered the most in the family and Ayana would have to really impress her.

The Unspoken.

A Poet I am not but sometimes I feel inspired to string some words together and call it a poem. About four years ago I was writing one almost every week. I was looking through that old notebook in Trinidad and decided after all these years that I actually like this one. The subject matter is very transparent:

He knows nothing of the journey in my mind.

Those walks I take with him to places unexplored.

He knows nothing of the scorch his presence leaves on my skin,

Through words alone, his voice telling tales of innocence that enter my ears like a sonnet.

He wants nothing from me though I desire chapters with no summaries.

We walk these different roads as I dream of a point where our paths entwine and it becomes wide enough for two.

He knows nothing.

And I envy that ignorance as it is bereft of these desires and unopened expressions.

Feeling all of this is deafening,

I wish I knew nothing as well.

Jeanie’s

There was breakfast in my house. Half a loaf of bread, butter, cheese, some croissants, definitely hot chocolate but I needed to get out. I had been crouched over the Mac for the last three days, having miniature panic attacks every few hours as my fingers danced across the keyboard. The ideas were flowing but the deadline loomed like a grotesque shadow over my shoulder. All left me with enough tension to break a few bones.
It felt the same way every time.
That feeling of escape haunted me. Enough that I dragged on my uggs and largest sweater and pulled my bag from under the heap of books as I hurried out of the door. Had I been less harried I would have bathed and actually attempted to comb my hair. But I did not care this morning. I knew that my hat would hide enough and there were no plans to engage long with another human being. I just wanted food and fresh air. The deadline would have to keep its own company at the flat.
Jeanie’s is a large Organic cafe that takes up most of the corner of Raymond Street. It’s the go to for students and mothers and babies and all who wanted the illusion of a healthy lifestyle. I liked their hot chocolate and vegan cinnamon cake. No where close to breakfast food yes, but a close cousin to comfort.
I ordered and took one of the few tables outside the door. It gave you enough fresh air and sidewalk action to last a lifetime and it was my idea of bliss. People watching and feeling the spring sunshine through the seasonal chill was the injection of life I needed. I tucked my leg underneath me and leaned back in Jeanie’s’ mental chair. It didn’t take long for my order to arrive and I smiled at the waitress like she had brought me a million dollar cheque. Her response was less friendly but it didn’t bother me. I would have reacted the same way to the smiley lady in the green sweater.
I wrapped my fingers around the steaming mug and ignored the burn on my fingers. I knew it would soon go away. I trained my eyes on the 10 am people traffic and the cars that lulled by. Raymond Street is parallel to the main road so avoids the bigger cars and buses but gave people like me enough to stare at and wonder.
My head wanted to think about the work. It wanted to decide what the next paragraph was going to be. My head wanted to dissect Kieran’s words the night before. It wanted to berate me for not looking in the mirror before I rushed out the house. It wanted to keep the tension going. But I was in revolt. I needed to not be part of that madness for a moment. My life was on pause at Jeanie’s.
It was probably why I did not see his approach. Me on pause and the lady walking by with the navy blue pumps was enough of a distraction until he said my name.
I jumped, as I would have with anyone at the moment but when our eyes met, I heard my heart clearly beating in my ears.
“Wow.” I saw his mouth forming the words but actually hear him saying it.
“You don’t remember me?”
My brain cleared the clutter that was my life and replaced it with a memory. One that was as clear as his face looking down at me.
“It’s Junior. It hasn’t been that long since Kings Rochelle.”
He was the same. Tall, slender, a slight scar on his chin and his eyes still a dark brown. The memory rushing back slammed into my consciousness and made the chocolate taste bitter on my tongue.
“I, um, I.” The mug was already on the table and my hand was reaching for my bag on the chair beside me.
His smile was fading.
“What’s wrong?”
“I, I have to go.”
“You really don’t remember me?” he asked as I manoeuvred around the small table, keeping my distance from where he stood.
“I know who you are James.” The words came out of me calmly masking the absolute meltdown that was occurring internally.
“What’s wrong then? Did I do something?”
I had already started to walk away.
The instinct was to look back. I was afraid he would follow me but I knew, I knew, he would not.
I walked with no destination. I didn’t cry, didn’t call anyone, and did not return to my flat. I just walked until my legs made a different decision and I leaned against the wall of a storage building I could not recognise.
I remembered him. Though time had fooled me into believing that I forgot. The casual way he had said my name and the smile as he did it told me that he too had forgotten. Then again there was probably nothing for him to remember. That thin line between pleasure and pain would be invisible.
The warmth of the spring time sun still beat its rays, but it no longer held any bliss for me.

Candice (version two)

Part 6
Patchet Alvero was a good looking man. Five foot seven, with a head thick with curls and marble grey eyes. His skin was milky brown despite the sun that he worked under most days of the month. He was an oil man, working on the offshore rigs dotting the coast of Trinidad. He had met Kelly when they were both fifteen and she was going to school in Fyzabad. He was popular and athletic and loud whilst Kelly spent her time with her head buried behind a book. Maybe that is why he noticed her. Whilst most of the girls in their year swooned whenever he was around, Kelly never took much notice of him. But he did and he could not bring himself to talk to her. Then one day, six years after she had left Fyzabad as suddenly as she had entered it, he saw her walking down Frederick Street. Her body was fuller, her hips and breasts rounder with womanhood but her face had not changed. That smooth dark chocolate skin and narrow brown eyes still made his stomach clench up. She was beautiful and there was no way he was not going to talk to her this time. It had taken a few months before she confessed that she too had liked him during their high school days but she had thought him inaccessible and not interested in the ‘quiet darkie’ with all the beautiful girls who surrounded them. He had shook his head at that, amazed and sad at all the time they had wasted. He was not a religious man but he knew that seeing her again that day was a clear sign that she had to be his woman.
Now five years later Patchet was still trying to figure out how to make Kelly completely his because even after all this time she still kept a part of herself closed off to him. Even at their happiest moments he felt that wall she still constructed between them. It was invisible to anyone observing them but for him who had studied her every nuance for all these years he knew it was there. He couldn’t blame her. Her mother was the queen of bad relationships and in turn Kelly knew nothing about trust and love and forever. Whilst Patchet had grown up in the same house with parents who had been married since they were nineteen. He believed in family and in love. He wanted to marry her and fill her with his children but she resisted. She said she had more to do before marriage and children. She liked that they had separate homes and thought their relationship was fine the way it was.
She was afraid. And they both knew it.
Coming back home today he sensed a different kind of fear. This one lingered on her skin like bad perfume and seeped through even as she smiled and hugged him and nonchalantly told him about the events of the last few days. He felt her tiredness and the emotions she was trying to kept hidden. Despite the troubled relationship she had with Annette her disappearance scared her. She loved her Mother regardless of their past. He knew from experience that saying all of these things would just push her into silence so he kissed her instead and gently led her towards her bedroom. She didn’t protest just kissed him deeper and ran her hands over his face and head while he unbuttoned her dress. Sex was the only time she let the wall down so he always made sure it was a long sweet release. Afterwards he watched her sleep and felt all the torrents of emotions she stirred up in him. He loved her yes but things could not stay the way they were.

Less than an hour later they had changed positions. Patchet was now fast asleep, sprawled on his back on the small bed, and Kelly was the one pondering their relationship. She was regretting what had happened especially as she had decided a few weeks ago that sleeping with him just made the situation more difficult. But she had been vulnerable today. Despite her head protesting the entire time, her body craved the intimacy. The fleeting feeling of being held and not having to feel anything but……but it didn’t change the outcome. She still went back to wanting to tell Patchet goodbye but not knowing how to. Last night after Tony had dropped her home and they had lingered in the car talking idly, she had made up her mind. She admitted to herself that Tony was the one who made her feel happy. Even during this strange time of her mother disappearance, his presence gave her comfort and she yearned to be around him. Period.
Patchet was part of a different time in her life. Kelly still remembered the surprise and giddiness she had felt when he had approached her on Frederick Street that day. She knew who he was straight away though she let him introduce himself and ramble on about Fyzabad Comp. How could she forget someone as gorgeous as he and whose name was so unusual? She was flattered that he liked her, more than flattered. As far as she was concerned women like her did not attract men like Patchet. After years of feeling like she was the ugly duckling, never appreciating her figure or her short hair or dark skin; having him want her so much made her feel special. More special than she had ever felt in her life. He looked at her like she was made of porcelain and that is what she wanted to be. Not the quiet girl who never knew where she fit in. It didn’t matter then that they did not like the same things or saw the future in different ways. But it did matter after five years. She wanted to study and travel and be more than she was supposed to be. Patchet wanted marriage and children and a life cocooned in South Trinidad just like his parents had created.
Kelly got dressed and went into the kitchen to cook. Maybe cook a meal of chicken and carrot rice like he loved. She would feed him and convince him to go back to Fyzabad tomorrow because she knew that now was not the time to tell him how she felt. She was afraid yes, because he would be hurt. She did not want to do that but letting him think that she loved him so was even worse. Thoughts of how to disentangle herself occupied her thoughts and was enough, at least for today, to stop her wondering where Annette had disappeared to.

Part 7
When Tony strolled into Brewster and Aboud, he had not expected Kelly to be there. She was standing next to her desk in a grey shift dress and low heels, sifting through the pile of papers that had grown in the last three days. She was chewing on a pen cover and he smiled. He knew she did not realize how much she did that when she was thinking. She looked at him in time to see the smile crease his lips.
“Morning.” She tried to sound upbeat but it was a dismal attempt.
“What you doing back?” he asked
“I wasn’t doing nothing at home so I figured it was time to get back to work.”
He didn’t bother to ask her if she had heard from her mother because he knew she would have told him so already.
“Well I have a meeting with Rajack this morning so you come back just in time.”
She laughed.
“What happen? You didn’t want Joy Ann to go wit you?”
“Come on now, you know I loveee to spend time with Joy Ann!”
She laughed even more at his sarcasm. Joy Ann Ladoo one of the other legal secretaries, had been doggedly pursuing him for the last few months. She was determined to be a lawyer’s wife and Anthony Brewster was the latest one in her sights. Kelly could not understand why she had not succeeded yet in finding a husband. With her tiny waist and brown curls that trailed all the way down her back she left most of the men in the office particularly wetting themselves. But Tony had told her that Joy Ann was too transparent and that no man liked a woman that desperate.
Tony and Kelly grinned at each other, lost in their private joke and happy to see each other again. He had be missing her and found himself wondering what she and Patchet had been up to.
“Well I will go because I have to and because I know you going to buy me some Coconut water and a chicken roti.” She told him.
“Kels what you think this is? I go get you a doubles instead.”

It was almost one o’clock when they parked off the savannah and each began to devour their rotis. They could have found somewhere to eat but having lunch in his jeep had become their routine. They would sit there eating and people watching for an hour or so then head back to the office.
“I think I may have to let Candice live with me.” Kelly had finished and was now watching Tony finish his second roti. For a slender man he had an unending appetite.
“Why she can’t stay by your grandmother?”
“Granny is older now, she really don’t have the energy for Candy. The child is busy. She don’t sit still. Besides I want her to go to good schools and the best are up here.”
“What is your mother going to say?”
“I doh care what she have to say. She abandoned her. That’s my baby and I have to look after her.”
Tony understood why but he knew she could not afford it.
“I will get a second job then. Use my savings. I will have to get a new place…”
“What about UWI and the teacher’s course? Patchet ok with this?”
She got quiet then. She did not know how to tell him that she was abandoning both. She looked at her hands for a bit then said,
“I…I’m going to finish with Patchet.” She looked across at him but his expression did not change.
“What about UWI?”
Tony had caught he off guard and she has to think for a second. She had just admitted that she was about to be a free woman and he had chosen to ignore the declaration.
“I will have to forget that for now.”
He started the car,
“No way. Look how long you been saving? You have to go in September or it will never happen.”
“Tony I know what you saying but I can’t afford it. Not with Candice.”
“Why not? The plan stays the same. You work part time with B & A and you go to school. Just put her in nursery and we will figure out a babysitter for your evening classes. How much longer you going to put off your dream?
His last words made her feel bad. He was right, He knew more than anyone else how badly she wanted to teach but she could not see how she could afford it.
Tony reached out and squeezed her knee
“I will help you.” She was going to answer but he cut her off “We not discussing it. I not going to let give up on what you want. Let me work on the new place thing. I know plenty people that will give me a good price.”
She wanted to say no. Not for her pride, though that was a little part of it, because she did not want there to be any money issues between them. Kelly was afraid he would wake up one day and think she had been using him for his money and that would never be the case.
“You know what they say about friends and money.” It was her last argument. Tony took his eyes off the road to look at her as he spoke.
“Listen dat don’t pertain to us. We deeper than that and now you need my help more than ever. Call it what you like but I making sure you starting that course.”

Part 8
Granny said that Candice had started to act more like her old self again. Not as loud as usual but Granny didn’t mind that. Kelly spoke to her for a while and satisfied herself that she was ok. Candy had spent big chunks of her life in Moruga so she had friends there and felt safe. For Kelly that was enough for now. When she hung up the phone rang almost immediately after.
“Good Night.”
“Kelly?”
She got very still then, her heart beginning to race.
“Annette?”
“Yes is me. Where Candice?”
Kelly had never gotten angry so quickly in her life. A week of worrying and Annette was calling like she had only been gone an hour.
“You serious? You really serious? Where the hell are you?”
“Candy ok?”
“Yes! That is why you send her by me right? You know I will look after her. Where are you Annette?”
She sighed heavily on the other end.
“You not going to tell me?!?”
“Well stop shouting at me.”
She was right. Kelly was shouting but she was so angry she was almost trembling. A week of being so afraid Annette was dead and now she was acting like it had never happened.
“What do you want Annette?”
“To check on Candy.”
“You should have done that on Friday when you sent her to me.”
“I….I…Kelly doh be mad. Please.”
“Why?! Why did you leave?”
“I had to go. I wish I can say but I had to….”
“Annette?” the phone line sounded like it was covered. “Ma? Ma?”
When Annette came back on her voice was almost a whisper.
“I still in Arima.” Then the line went dead.

Part 9
Tony smiled when he saw her number. When they had parted that afternoon he knew that she would calling. She was confused as to why he had ignored her revelation about Patchet. As much as he had wanted to break into the largest smile at her words he had decided to leave it alone. She had not done it yet so there was always the possibility that she would change her mind. He did not truly believe that though. It was the first time Kelly had talked about breaking up with Patchet. Ever. So for her to tell him must mean that she was serious. But what greeted him instead when he answered her call was a different story all together.
“It was so, so strange Tony. I mean the whole conversation and the way she was whispering at the end. I don’t know what to think.”
Tony was at a loss at well. Was Annette somewhere she didn’t want to be? And where in Arima?
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“Can you come over?” she said it before she thought about it
“Yeah Im leaving now.”